pages from my journal, 2007

april 24,2007

oh how vainly i struggle and resist being still!! how much like martha am i in the doing and going about this house. how i long to long to be more like mary who desired the greater thing. i need to look up the passage and see what it says. my year verse taped up throughout the spots in the house where i can see them gently speaks:  be still and know that i am God, psalm 46:10. i want literal stillness this year, the practice of it, the discipline of it.  oh what do i avoid? why do i avoid this? help me oh Father. i can only "be still" by your power for i am powerless to do it.  oh i can be still with a good novel, a good movie, a tv show. a client i'm listening to but to be sitting with You? oy vay. i cannot in my own strength even begin to try! because? i don't want to. it is going against my FLESH. ah, there's the truth of it.

april 30, 2007

coffee, prayer. Your Word...FIRST! a miracle because You know my divided heart.  my grace-heart wanted to go straight to my novel to finish it and yet - You drew me. You drew me.  You empowered me to put You first. seek FIRST the Kingdom of Heaven and all else will be added to me!!! please forgive the struggle even as your child of 40 years (since my "walk" down the aisle at 10) to put You first. i used to be so religious, legalistic and batter myself into the QT every day asap as if it was a law and because i couldn't do it i felt so guilty ALL the time. so then i swung over it seems years later to too much freedom in your grace and love and became undisciplined and loosie-goosie.  now Father my desire is a balanced mind - a sound mind, not one of fear but power, love and a sound mind!  not (necessarily) sinning all the more that grace should abound, as Paul says, but because of grace, in and by and through grace and only in Your power with the knowledge that it is NOT a law i am bound by - i choose and You empower me to be disciplined and put You first, seek You first as often as I can in this discipline of

praise

prayer

the Word and

being still!!!

oh what a goal!

oh what hope there is in You!

i love You God! amen.

NOTE re: the marys and marthas in this life

i remember looking up the passage on mary and martha and being so relieved and quite thrilled actually that scripture says Jesus loved martha! i always had the impression that it was mary whom Jesus must've loved MORE because in the Luke 10: 40-42 passage martha was distracted with all her preparations but mary had chosen the good part of sitting at Jesus feet. but john 11:5 says this: now Jesus loved martha and her sister and lazarus!!!! i was thrilled to find out that Jesus loves the marthas as well as the marys of this world!

the L's

Jesus came to minister to the L's i heard a preacher say at a church i visited several months back when my husband was out of town. he didn't say the L's, i just heard him say the following list and i decided it was the L's.

 

the least

the lost

the little

the left out.

i've been adding to the list ever since when an L comes to mind. more came up even in writing this post.

the lonely

the looney 

the lazy

the un-lovely

the leper

the liar

the lawless

the lagging

the lame

the laden

the lowly

the lustful

the last

the loser

i'm sure this is not an exhaustive list.  you could think of more L's too. Jesus came to save the sick not the well. the sinner not the saint. the least of these not the greatest of these. i am among these L's and i am forever grateful to Him that i don't have to get up every morning and put on my face and pretend to be something i'm not for God and that helps me not pretend for others too (though i admit i'm better at the former than the latter). i'm just a conglomerate of L's that Jesus came to save. and i want to be the one leper of the ten that thanked Him for the healing he received.

ps: thanks to d for helping me add to the list of L's.

medication for depression: part two

as a fellow depression sufferer myself, i can tell you that this body problem is a real, biochemical, brain disorder. it's a genetic disorder that you can trace in your family tree. anxiety runs in my father's side of the family and depression in my mother's. my handsome husband can definitely tell you that medications work to help me feel better. if my neurotransmitters are out of wack - seratonin, norepinephrine, dopamine to name a few - then i'm sick and not only do i need to pray, meditate, focus on God's truths, exercise, practice good self care, rest more often, reduce my commitments outside the home but i also need to take medication, have a medication adjustment, get in to see the doc.

another thing about treatment for the body problem of depression and other things like it is the length of time you need to take meds.  if you have an infection, say a URI (upper respiratory infection), you might be placed on meds for 10-14 days or on a z-pack for 5 which covers you for 14. but for anti-depressants you have to take these for a minimum of 6 months and up to one year.  why you ask?  as dr. seuss said "i don't know, go ask your mother!"  no, seriously, i can't explain it to you medically i just know it to be true according to all the research.  we don't know if that's the time it takes for the brain to heal itself while the medication is treating the symptoms or just what.  you've heard it called the "practice of medicine."  all we know is that it works. someone who has had more than two or three episodes of depression has a chronic illness and is most likely going to need meds the rest of their lives (sorry to be the bearer of good/news bad/news).

the last thing to mention to you while i've gone from "preaching to meddling" is that if you suffer from depression or one of the other mental illnesses like it, research shows the best results in treating these ills come from the combination of medication and psychotherapy from someone like me! psychotherapy (a fancy way of saying talking to a trained professional that's not involved in your situation) changes a person's body problem for the good!  sometimes folks start out with meds alone. sometimes they start out with counseling alone. but the best results are from the combination of the two.

borrowing a line from steven brown, one of our favorite modern day theologians who has a radio gig, you think about that!

medication for depression: part one

what a funny thing to blog about you might be saying to yourself but this is something i teach about constantly in my job as a psychotherapist (therapist for short) (social worker by trade) (it does get confusing since there are so many names for just being a plain old counselor which is what i am!). i thought you might like to be edumicated too but if not, just skip this one! (yes, it's been a while since i've used a made up word, just trying to throw you off a bit today!)

most folks don't understand medication for depression, anxiety and other mental illnesses - even those with the illnesses themselves. unfortunately, in some christian circles too the thinking is that a person should just pray about their problems, focus more on Christ, meditate more on the scriptures and the like and medication would not be necessary. end of discussion.

one example i use in my teaching at work is to take the problem of vision and the need for eye glasses. now that i'm over 50 i have to wear "readers" so i can use my own glasses as a teaching tool. let's say i can't see very well. ok. apply the same logic as above to seeing better. i'm going to pray about it. ask God to help me read and see better. i'm going to set my mind according to philippians 4:8 on things that are right, pure, of good repute. i'm going to set my mind on things above, not on earth below. but that's still not going to help me to see the words on the page any better. i still need my glasses because i have a vision problem that needs correcting. part of my body has a problem.

another example we (psycho)therapists use is diabetes. you wouldn't tell a diabetic to pray about his blood sugar levels and take himself off glucophage for type 2 diabetes or off insulin if he's type 1. no! of course not. because he has a body problem, he needs the meds for his problem.

so it is with depression.  if you have diagnosable, clinical depression then you have what i call a "body problem." it brings to mind one of the rhymes in my children's book "the bible-time nursery rhyme book," emily hunter, 1981.

God gave me a body house.

It's mine to keep and prize.

I look out from my body house

Through my two window eyes.

that's only part of the rhyme and then the verse attached to it is proverbs 20:12, 

"the hearing ear, and the seeing eye, the Lord hath made even both of them." 

if i have a body problem, if i have a chemical imbalance that leads me to have a lack of neurotransmitters then it needs correcting with medication.  i'll have problems with the following:  keeping my mood stable, keeping my emotions in check so that i'm not crying too much or too little (feeling no emotions), issues with sleeping adequately (maybe sleeping too little or too much), issues with appetite (eating too little or too much), feeling tired all the time, thinking mostly negative, hopeless thoughts about life (sometimes to the point of having suicidal thoughts), lacking energy that is within normal range (we could debate normal 'til the cows come home), feeling worthless about myself, difficulty concentrating and being motivated to do my ADL's (activities of daily living).  if i'm having these problems and they've been going on for some time now (i'd say more than a month) and nothing seems to be helping, then i might have a body problem since God gave us a body house! if you look at this list all together, doesn't it look like a list of physical ailments? then why oh why do we accuse ourselves and each other of having a spiritual problem instead? it's difficult to explain in a short blog post but i want to give you a bit of an idea of what i'm talking about. 

look for part two in tomorrow's post!

can you imagine being that interesting?

i am one of five children. i truly and deeply love all my sibs but i want to tell you about my baby brother preston, named after our maternal grandfather. he has led such an amazing life thus far for his young years (he's ten years younger than me) that one day years ago i slipped up and not realizing what i was saying to my husband i opened mouth, inserted foot and said:  can you imagine being **that** interesting?

it's a good thing my husband is not short on self esteem (which comes from God esteem) because though he got my oops! it didn't phase him one bit.  we laughed and laughed about my oops!

my brother pres lived in france for several years after graduating from college. he says he lived there so long that he began to dream in french.  he set out without any connections to speak of with the goal of living abroad for a few years and so he did.  back to the states for his masters in linguistics and then he went to taiwan to live for a few years to make more money than he could in the states (sounds like an excuse for another adventure to me!) translating children's books from chinese into english (if i've got that right, it's very hard to keep up).  

it was in taiwan preston met his wife-to-be vered who is from.....israel! she was abroad collecting data for her asian studies masters and they ended up being roommates with two other people and lell in fuv! they quickly became twitterpaited (from "bambi").

being raised in our pentecostal-jewish home with the "believe whatever you want to believe" mentality, he chose to convert to judaism to marry vered and because of circumstances i'm not sure i could explain here (something to do with a green card?) they were first married in the u.s. by the justice of the peace. then, they were married a second time a year later in tel aviv, israel with a big jewish wedding with the chuppah (the canopy under which the couple stands) and the ketubah (the formal wedding contract) and the smashing of the glass just like in "fiddler on the roof" (oy vay, i tell you, it must've been beautiful) (are you catching my drift here: can you imagine being this interesting???????). oh how i regret not attending that wedding. i can't remember all my excuses for not going - money, time commitments, etc. - but oh how i wish i'd been there. 

now they live in delaware and have made beautiful music together along with two beautiful girls noa and ariel.  in israel names are neither male nor female - they're interchangeable -  for example noah over here would be a boy's name but in israel it's a girl's name as well. or ariel in israel can be a boy's name like ariel sharon.  each of their girls are multilingual. pres speaks only french to them every day. vered speaks only hebrew to them. and they speak english at school.  my brother who now has a doctorate in linguistics speaks a few other languages and throws in some spanish for the girls and probably some chinese for all i know.  

though he speaks many languages well, his first language is english afterall and he's written 4 books (fiction) in his spare time! he's combined the first 3 into one and has an agent in new york city to tote it to publishers.  i've read the first two books and they were quick, exciting reads of a story taking place in israel and palestine.  best wishes to him for getting them published. remember, i knew you when!

i still say:  can you imagine being **that** interesting?  

one very important postscript:  the interesting brother has a very interesting mother - ours!  she traveled to the places he lived - france and taiwan (they toured china and hong kong); she went to his wedding in tel aviv in 1999 and in 2007 i nervously put her on a plane by herself to meet him all the way around the world at a meeting in cairo, egypt! she doesn't miss a beat in keeping up with her youngest child. i'm just proud all the way around! here's two pics of them in egypt hh helped me add to this post.

married at least 80 years

when handsome husband and i married we determined to be married at least 80 years.  we'd each come from divorced families.  his parents divorced when he was 4 months old and mine when i was 20.   we determined that in the Lord and to the best of our abilities we would stay married.  our goal was at least 80 years even though marrying at 25 and 28 that would make us 105 and 108 respectively!

but then a year or so into our marriage, hh came to me and said "honey, we've set our sights too low" and showed me an article of a couple who'd been married 80 years.  throughout our 26 years of marriage he has continued to bring me articles from the paper, magazines or off the internet of couples who've met our goal of 80 years  - a source of encouragement to say the least but also a wink from God about the 80 years goal we set!

i've kept several of the articles. one in "world" magazine reads:  

eighty and counting.  

love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage. which may or may not have been what frank and anita milford drove away from their wedding ceremony on may 26, 1928, in torpoint, a village in southwest england.  in may the couple celebrated their 80th wedding anniversary in the plymouth nursing home where they both live.  mrs. milford says the pair met in 1926 at ymca dances while attempting to foxtrot.  "he used to step on my feet." mrs. milford, now 99 said. mr. milford, now 100 made up for it, though: she still wears the engagement ring costing six pounds that he bought her. 

a second article from the washington times off the internet, september 7, 2006 reads:

harve de grace, md 

couple marks 80 years together

margaret and donald mergler's relationship got off to an underwhelming start when he took the wheels off her toy baby carriage to make a scooter when they were in grade school - during the wilson administration.  "i didn't think too much of him then,"  mrs. mergler says of the boy who grew into the man she married in 1926. she does now. on monday, the merglers marked their 80th wedding anniversary, and the husband and wife - both 98 years old - are likely the oldest living couple in the united states.  mr. and mrs. mergler were both born in harvre de grace, a historic small town that smells of fresly cut grass and sits about 30 miles north of baltimore.

a third (faux) article was written september 20, 2006 by hh and sent to me via email with the above article included at the top and this one at the bottom: 

arkansas democrat-gazette

couple marks 80 years together

january 3, 2063

little rock, ar 

catching some z's and hh (code names used to protect the innocent) marked their 80th wedding anniversary yesterday and are probably the oldest living couple in the united states. mr. and mrs. hh both grew up in little rock and have lived here the past 72 years since 1991......

hh, i think i'll keep him - at least for 80 years!

april is national poetry month

last week i told you that april is national sexual assault awareness month. what a heavy post that was. there are many and varied topics for each month on our calendar. april is also national poetry month according to a link a co-worker sent me to explore.

here it is for you at www.poets.org/freeverse if you'd like to look at some fun photos taken of free verse written on things like mirrors, chalk boards, typewritters, leaves, fingers, cookies and the like.  

see if you can find a few of my favorites by looking at the section:  free verse: poetry in the wild. or today is said free verse (pool).  every time i've looked at it they've added more entries and changed the website up a bit.

1. mary oliver's the summer day:  tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

2. ode to a potato: how many deals can a man make before he stops being small potatoes?

3. rise up from the stump of sorrow and be green also like the diligent leaves

4. covering two years by weldon kees: parts of a sentence, hanging in the air

it's a very creative site to explore when you have a few minutes to spare. enjoy!  thanks for sharing cp.

moose

after such a serious post yesterday, something much lighter.....

MOOSE used to be an inside joke between handsome husband and me but now the word's gotten out - we're such big mouths and tell everything -  so i might as well tell you about it too!

'course i have to start with dictionary.com.

moose   [moos]  Show IPA

–noun, plural moose.

1.	a large, long-headed mammal, Alces alces, of the deer family, having circumpolar distribution in the Northern Hemisphere, the male of which has enormous palmate antlers.

back in 1996 our family took a road trip west and part of the trip was to go to utah and connect with my sis and her family and drive into yellowstone national park. what a wonderful vacation that was! A-merica is A-mazing! along the way we saw many moose and also were introduced to the state of wyoming. we decided we loved both!  we began to fantasize about having a retreat center one day in the future out in green, cool, low humidity wyoming (ignoring for now the frigid winters) where pastors and their wives could come for handsome husband (hh for short, and he's short, too) to teach and me to counsel and we'd just fix them right up and send them back out into the world to continue their ministries. wyoming seemed just the place. away from it all. we didn't know how anyone would pay to get there. or how we'd pay for a retreat center. that's why it's called a fantasy!

some years later, hh and i began to joke anytime we were tired, fed up, ready to run away from it all: we'll just go to MOOSE!! let's just go to MOOSE! that'll fix everything!!!!!! lo and behold, one day he decided to check the map or was googling or some such thing and found out there is actually a MOOSE, WYOMING!!!!!

so combine the fantasies of retirement, a retreat for others using our skills and gifts God's given us (thank You, Lord), getting away from it all and you have - voila! - MOOSE.

i have a stuffed animal now that hh gave me on one occasion who lives in the guest bedroom on a shelf to remind us of MOOSE. and a plastic rendition of a MOOSE on my makeup tray where i get ready in the mornings.  hh has a plastic MOOSE his friends purchased for him in seattle (see, we can't keep anything to ourselves) at his office to keep our hopes in mind. we're ready for MOOSE when and if it ever becomes reality.....until then it's our fantasy and it was our inside joke! now you can enjoy it, too! 

we've even had friends say they want to go to MOOSE with us NOW!!  when they're exhausted, fed up and just plumb tuckered out with this life here on earth -  and we certainly can't beam our way up to heaven, scottie -  surely we can get out to MOOSE, surely we can pull that off, can't we??

sexual assault awareness month

april is sexual assault awareness month.  this morning i googled it and thought i would share some of what i found out with you here today. it is so commonplace - you would not believe it!  - unless maybe you also are a survivor yourself and know this to be true.

first, let me share with you that i am a survivor of sexual abuse and know so many people near and dear to me (friends, family, clients) who have also been victims. as recently as two weeks ago, the daughter of a friend of mine in another state was assaulted by a co-worker in an elevator. she took the proper steps to report him to her boss and it turns out that he had done this before to others and has now lost his job.  also, since starting my new position 8 weeks ago, i've already heard countless stories of assault and abuse - in just 8 weeks.

dan allender, phd has written an excellent book on recovery from the effects of abuse called "the wounded heart," written from a christian perspective.  he has a graph detailing types of abuse and they are all - i repeat ALL - considered severe.  some are just more or less severe than others.  what i went through is considered to be less severe, that is no one touched me, but there were three times between grade school through college that men exposed themselves to me, all very traumatic events. i was exposed to a lot of pornography growing up which counts as abuse and an employer sexually harassed me in the 70's though i didn't even know what that was at the time or i would've taken action.

when counseling others over the years, clients will often say "he tried to abuse me" and what i end up saying is he didn't try, if he did anything, then he DID abuse you. yes, it could have been worse but the trying is abusing. a lot of the below statistics are on rape but abuse comes in many forms so keep that in mind as you read the stats. there were many other things i could've mentioned here but since this is only one post, i've just listed a few for you to consider.

the website i perused listed multiple publication topics which i found to be quite telling:

anti-sexual violence movement

child sexual assault

intimate partner sexual assault

rape/sexual assault

sexual harassment

sexual violence and substance abuse

sexual violence by professionals

sexual violence in the workplace

sexual violence in the military

here are some statistics i've taken from one of the webpages this morning FYI:

**17.6% women in the US have survived a completed or attempted rape. of these 21.6% were younger than 12 when first raped and 32.4% between 12 and 17 y/o

** 64% women over 18 who survived a completed or attempted rape were raped by their husband, partner, boyfriend or date

** only between 26 and 37% of rapes are reported to the police

** 25% women and 8% men will be raped or physically assaulted by their current, former spouse, co-habitating partner or date in their lifetime

** 300,000 intimate partner rapes occur each year in women 18 and older

** between one in four and one in five college women will be raped each year

** every two minutes somewhere in American someone is sexually assaulted

**  one out of 6 women in their lifetime have been victims of attempted or completed rape

** 5% (1 out of 20) of rapists will ever spend a day in jail or 19 out of 20 walk free

** sexual violence is associated with a host of short and long term problems including physical injury and illness, psychological symptoms, economic costs and death

** in 2000, nearly 88,000 children in the US experienced sexual abuse

PS:  it was many years ago during the middle of a counseling session with an abuse victim as she recounted in detail her story that it hit me how my own traumatic events had prepared me to hear her story and bear her burdens.  that God had been true to His Word once again - romans 8:28 and 2 corinthians 1 - for my good, others' good (somehow by His grace) and somehow for His glory we'll only understand in Heaven.

salvation birthday

when we moved to little rock from charlotte in march of 1991 i decided to call markham street baptist church where i was baptized as a little girl and see if they had some kind of antiquated records to find out when i was baptized. that way i could find out how old i was when i became a believer. i was never quite sure of the age of my conversion, i always thought i was around 12 or so.

sure enough they had kept records that far back on paper and got back to me that i was baptized in april of 1967 when i was ten years old!!! i remember that i'd walked the aisle in that baptist church the week before it must've been and then baptised a week or so later. therefore, i've marked the sunday before my baptism april 12, 1967 as my salvation / born-again-in-Christ day and have it on my mary engelbreit birthday flip calendar.  

it's very hard to believe that i've been a christian now for a whopping 42 - forty-two - years. some people can't point to a specific time in their lives when they were converted to Christ, became a christian, were born again - whatever lingo-lango you'd like to use. there was a wave in christian circles back in the 1970's - it still may exist today - where it was VERY important to know exactly when you became a christian. i don't believe that to be necessary. GOD knows the exact point of your conversion, your being changed from unbeliever to believer so it's not as important, to my way of thinking, as some doctrines might lead you to think. as long as you know that you know that you are His, that's what's important (some people struggle with that, but that's a different subject for a different blog!).  in our church, when babies are baptized (not for their salvation but as a sign of the covenant God makes with His people), we pray that the child may never know a day he doesn't believe in the Lord Jesus as His personal Savior.  there are some people who have that testimony, being unclear as to when their changeover actually took place.

a bit of background: i wasn't raised in a christian home.  i've talked about this on my blog before so plzzzzzz excuse the repetition if you know this already. my mother was raised pentecostal and left those roots behind in her adult years. my father was raised jewish and did the same in his adulthood.  raising us they said "you can do anything you want to do, believe what you want to believe"   (sounds like a song?).  

i have a distinct memory of the sunday nite that i became a christian. mrs. gibbons (bless her even now, Lord!) (the mama of the neighbor family i went to church with) came inside our home with me, we went upstairs to my mama's bedroom (for some reason she was already in bed) to tell mama what happened the nite i was saved.  i don't remember mama's response that much, maybe just an "oh, good honey, that's good" or something along those lines.

and then the next week i was baptized in the baptismal font with my white gown floating up in the water (wearing shorts and a t-shirt underneath) by brother branscum. i don't remember mama or anyone else in the family coming to church that nite.....that's hazy so it may mean they didn't come. again, we were on our own in that department.

i'm so grateful to know the Lord. even after 42 years i still have moments when i wonder:  is all this christianity stuff real? is God real? but deep down in the depths of my being i do know it is real, He is real, He is the creator God, He is the Savior of my soul and He is the One, the One and only true God.  i can see His Hand providentially in my life time and time again throughout my 52 years - even before april 1967 -  and all i can say is: thank You God the Father. thank You God the Son and thank you God the Holy Spirit, the three in One. amen.

NPR, again

i heard another interview on npr recently about an upcoming book that sounds interesting. this time it's written by a comedian dani klein and was a show that's being made into a book to be released april 28th (who can read all these books anyway? just a side note of frustration! i could be a reader fulltime or double time or triple time!!! but who would pay me to do that?)

the name:  "afterbirth:  stories you won't read in a parenting magazine."  the interview was only 7 minutes long but i was hooked. the author said she's not interested in talking to people who have success in their parenting but those who struggle with what she calls flawed parenting and the cycle of blame, guilt and self loathing.  or another way she put it, beginning with self loathing and then layering in the others.  not wanting to make the same mistakes as our parents made, wanting to set boundaries with our children, how much to do or not do for our children, etc.

boy, can i relate to this. even though my favorite son and daughter are 24 and 21, i struggled so much with blame, guilt and self loathing when i was raising them and admit to confusion even now at times in how to relate to them as young adults! 

i'm so glad there is forgiveness for the times i was truly guilty of hurting my children with my parenting flaws. i'm thankful that He knew exactly how short i would fall before i even conceived these children who are a gift from Him and that He will use these flaws (and sometimes flat out sin) in their lives as he has used my parents' flaws in mine for their good and His glory.

ps: happy birthday dear friend ellen!

the glorious covering of Christ upon us

do you believe we are born basically good people?  scripture teaches that we are born with a sin nature and yes, even babies are born that way.  it's a doctrine called total depravity, that no aspect of our being is not touched by sin and given a choice, we'd do what we want to do, not what God wants us to do. this has been on my mind because of the excellent sermon my pastor preached weeks back as he takes us through the book of zephaniah. (my husband just fills in when needed but this sermon was from pastor tim who is the pastor of our church at cov pres little rock.)

tim said this:  "by nature we are wart ridden people."  we are "born shameless covenant breakers." "we hide via facade" from God and others.  we can't fake out God. He knows all. others we can to a point except those closest to us, for example, my husband and children know most all my warts. how true it is that we try to hide ourselves from one another, especially those warts. i know i do!

the hope of the Gospel, tim shared, is that we stand before the mirror of truth, we see who we really are - covenant breakers - we experience the shame of who we really are - covenant breakers - in need of the animal sacrifice of the old testament where our sin was atoned for and in the new testament when the last and final blood sacrifice was made - Christ's death.  there on the cross His sacrificial death covered our shame completely, once and for all.  he called it "the glorious covering of Christ upon us."

i was so inspired after that sunday's message. this may sounds miniscule to you but it was a big deal to me at the moment. i'd signed up to keep the kids that sunday nite at church but because of what i thot was the wart of my fatigue i thot i'd better *hide* that and fulfill what i'd signed up to do. after the sermon i was **FREE** to admit my warts 'n all (not that fatigue is a wart but sometimes we think our frailties, our limitations are warts too and feel ashamed of them) so i admitted to the coordinator i wasn't up to helping and i was very relieved to take care of myself, rest that afternoon and evening, and trust that the childcare would be taken care of somehow - and it was! 

just last nite before small group my husband and i were trying to decide about how much to share in the way of prayer requests. because of this **FREEDOM** to share our wart ridden lives and it not being necessary to hide any longer since we're covered by His blood once and for all, we chose to be transparent, share from our hearts, and received not only a lack judgement in return but kind and gentle prayers along with confidence that there'll be continued prayers for us in the future.

 

i'm sure you're quite familiar with the old hymn that comes to mind (sorry i couldn't get it to print out better than the below).

"nothing but the blood of Jesus"

robert lowry, 1876

1.      What can wash away my sin?   Nothing but the blood of Jesus.   What can make me whole again?   Nothing but the blood of Jesus.  Refrain:  O precious is the flow   that makes me white as snow;   no other fount I know;   nothing but the blood of Jesus.   2. For my pardon this I see:   nothing but the blood of Jesus.   For my cleansing this my plea:   nothing but the blood of Jesus.   (Refrain)   3. Nothing can for sin atone:   nothing but the blood of Jesus.   Naught of good that I have done:   nothing but the blood of Jesus.   (Refrain)   4. This is all my hope and peace:   nothing but the blood of Jesus.   This is all my righteousness:   nothing but the blood of Jesus.   (Refrain) 

TGIF!!!

from good old wikipedia....

TGIF is an acronym for the phrase Thank (God/Goodness/Gosh) It’s Friday.

[edit]History

Starting in the United States, it has become a common expression of relief at the end of the work week and anticipation of relaxing or partying over the weekend. The term was originated by the Akron, Ohio disk jockey Jerry Healy on radio station WAKR in the early 1970s. The phrase was further popularised by the 1978 movie starring Donna Summer, Thank God It’s Friday. The phrase has also become common for advertising and promotional materials. On college campuses beginning in the 1970s, the phrase (sometimes shortened to "TG") became associated with Friday afternoon beer parties, usually held outdoors.

we won't be having a beer bash 'round here this weekend but we will be enjoying a wedding shower in our home of one of handsome husband's favorite friend's daughters!  congratulations allison and michael! we can't believe it's time for weddings and grandchildren, surely we're not old enough for these happenings. maybe our children have aged but we haven't, have we? don't answer that! anyway, TGIF whatever you do this beautiful spring weekend, wherever you live.

for the end of our work week:

colossians 3:23

whatever you do, do your work heartily, as for the Lord, rather than for men.

for the weekend:

1 corinithians 10:31

whether then you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.

no, worry, i'm not listening anymore

i was getting ready for work yesterday and was worrying about some things going on in my new job. the thoughts were just a swirling 'round my head like the smoke 'round santa claus' head from smokin' his pipe. but this wasn't a pleasant site like at christmas time, no! i recognized this once again as the old familiar destructive pattern of WORRY!

i've been a really good worrier from little girl forward, yes all my life i'm quite sure.  my mother taught me inadvertently that it was related to my horoscope sign and for christmas one year in junior high (speaking of christmas a second time now) i received a beautiful green felt banner i hung in my room that said i'm capricorn: i worry.  i don't believe in horoscopes but this time it was right on.  i didn't become my horoscope i promise but it has always been true of me - i do worry.

so yesterday, once again, i determined to say no to worry and on the spot when i recognized the sin of worry, the angst of it, i took a lip pencil out of my of makeup stash and wrote on the mirror "no, worry, i'm not listening anymore."  (if you plan ahead, you can use a dry erase marker to write reinforcing truth messages like this. washes off better than makeup!) i wish it was that easy - tell myself to stop and it's done - and maybe it is for some folks. maybe applying God's Word which tells me a gazillion times DO NOT WORRY is easier than i make it. but then i think: well, if it was that easy, would He need to tell me that many times?

i do believe it's a besetting sin for me, one that trips me up on a regular basis, worry flowing through me as if having it's own personal bloodstream.  it's so automatic that there i was doing it again getting ready for work, putting on my makeup and had i not been listening and paying any attention to my inner world, that inner voice, my thought life (which God instructs us to pay attention to) i might not have recognized it's sneaky self.

the worry is revealing my idolatry of man:  what do the people at work think of me, what do the doctors think, do they think i know enuf for this job? how long will they give me a learning curve before they fire me? in my private practice it was just me, myself and i plus my clients. this is me plus a huge clinic of doctors, therapists and admin staff so i'm feeling quite exposed, thus the "will they like me and find me competent enuf" questions. it's also revealing the idolatry of self instead of trust in the Lord. here are some verses that are meant to help me with all of this since worry is a mix of anxiety and trust issues. maybe they'll be of encouragement to you if you can relate to what i'm going through where you are. 

psalm 118:6-9

the LORD is for me; i will not fear; what can man do to me? it is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man. it is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in princes.

2 corinthians 1:9b

we should not put our trust in ourselves but in God who raises the dead!

luke 12:22-25

do not be anxious (worry) for your life as to what you shall eat, nor for your body, as what you shall put on....which of you by being anxious (worrying) can add a single cubit to his life's span?

matthew 6:34

therefore do not be anxious (worry) for tomorrow, for tomorrow will care for itself. each day has enuf trouble of its own.

rejoice in the Lord always!

i've decided that this will be my last post on catching some z's.  since i've started my job i just don't have time any more to keep it up......april fools!!! JK!! did i get ya???

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handsome husband preached a richly blessed and inspired sermon on sunday about glorifying God and enjoying Him forever, the answer to the first catechism question "what is the chief end of man?" from the westminster confession of faith (1647). the scripture he used was from philippians 4:4 - rejoice in the Lord always, again i say rejoice!

now there's no way i could pretend to even come close to summarizing what he said in such an excellent brought-me-to-weeping-and-awe sermon here in just a few words. yet i know there is a principle of learning that goes something like this: learning is increased when heard, written down and then taught to others, so i'm going to try!!!

the bottom line is that of all the ways we relate to Him, enjoying God glorifies Him the most. although He wants us to enjoy His many benefits to us, the relationships He's given us, His magnificent creation, His provision for us from His salvation to many other spiritual blessings and gifts, the preacher was encouraging us to rejoice in and enjoy HIM. His Presence. Him alone. that Almighty God is with us wherever we go, there's no where we can flee from His Presence. the preacher admitted he doesn't know or understand what this means exactly and that it's easier to focus on enjoying the things He provides for us but He was challenging us to consider enjoying Him for who He is. period. Him in us and us in Him.

if we're only enjoying God for the things He gives us, then what happens to our enjoyment of Him when we suffer, when we go through the loss of those things? do we still love Him and enjoy Him? the preacher asked: don't we get angry and disillusioned? he wasn't blaming or shaming us for these things. he said sorrow and suffering are part and parcel of this life and God understands and makes provision for these times. but he was just trying to point us toward a deeper joy in HIM ALONE apart from the blessings and losses of this life.

that's about as nut-shelled as i can get it. he referenced but didn't give the title of a small pocketbook (89 pgs) by john piper who calls us to what he terms christian hedonism.  i'll give it here: "the dangerous duty of delight" (2001).  the longer version of this book was written 15 years earlier and is entitled "desiring God."

i'll close with one of many quotes shared in the sermon: c.s. lewis said God cannot give us happiness and peace apart from Himself  because it is not there. there is no such thing.