biggest regret

i just read in "hillcrest cottage life" that her biggest regret was not being able to meet her grandfather.  i never thot of that but i'd like to echo her sentiments for different reasons.  i do regret not being able to meet my jewish grandmother for whom i was named -  i've mentioned her here before. she died when my dad was in his late 20's of heart disease. she was only in her 50's which seems younger and younger now that i'm in my 50's.  "cottage life" talked a lot about how she almost feels like she knows her grandfather because family kept his memory alive by frequently talking about him.  in stark contrast to that, no one ever talked about my grandmother.  i'm not sure why that is. (i never missed her growing up because i had my wonderful grandma lil whom my grandpa married after grandmother's death.)

guesses:  grandmother died too young.  to make matters worse, my father's sister carol died tragically young (also of heart attack) when she was only 30. two deaths in one family clams people up? just too hard to talk about? no one ever got over either of their deaths? my dad never got over their deaths? (i almost know this to be true.) my grandpa remarried and it would have been unkind to his second wife for some reason to talk about the previous wife?  i can only imagine because she just wasn't talked about.  it was taboo to ask too many questions.

another mystery. there are very few pictures of my grandmother. gratefully, i have my grandparents' beautiful wedding photo.  (my mother and aunt patterned my wedding veil after grandmother's.) i have another snapshot of her in a group photo at my uncle's graduation from college. and a few other pics i'd never seen until my father died and i was given an old sort of scrap book album by my dad's wife (he'd remarried after my parents' divorce). that's it. period. end of story. where is she? who was she? am i like her? do i look like her?  do i act like her? do i share more with her than my name and my genes?

there's only one person left in the family that's living who might be able to tell me more (but she'll have to be willing).  that's my aunt joan.  she's my father's brother's wife. she's in her early 80's, lives in chicago and i'm planning a trip to see her in june, God-willing, either with or without my siblings.  i've already been talking it up via email so we'll see what happens.  that's not the only reason i want to go visit my aunt and my two cousins up in the windy city but it's certainly one of them.

thanks for your blog post "cottage life," for making me think more about my grandmother because of your thots of your grandfather and your regrets in not knowing him.  one of the beautiful benefits of reading is the way it sometimes brings up to the surface what's hidden inside of me so it can be dealt with.