out of the closet

more and more i'm out of the closet with others regarding my chronic depression.  

((many of us are in the closet about much more than homosexuality -  what most minds conjure up regarding closeted lives.  i have a friend*** who's now ex-husband came out of the closet with his homosexuality and she said she was going to write a book "into the closet" because that's what she and her children had to do after his revelation. she had to be very discreet - and still must -  about who she told her deeply painful story to.))

i've been treated for this debilitating disease since 5 months after our second child hanny was born (no blame to her tho) so that means 20+ years.

at the time i was diagnosed and began medication (1988), i had to hide it (well, i coulda told, but stick with me and you'll understand why i say had to) from the church in charlotte where del was their pastor (we moved there when han was 4 months old, loddrick almost 3). when we were candidating, we learned from the less than discreet (or would that be gossipy?) search committee way TMI re:  the pastor's wife who had depression, who they thought was really wierd, and that there were marital problems. (note to search committees: don't do the TMI thing.)

those shoulda been a few red flags but del and i didn't see them (sorta like when God blinded pharoah's eyes), so away we went to save the day!  we naively thought "we'll be the ones to give 'em a great example of a godly marriage. we'll be the ones to rescue this church in their time of need." 

my depression began to rage after we moved 12.87; i knew i had to stay in the closet because of what the leadership had told us.  one month after our move, here it came in full force what i call the "great depression."  thankfully, God provided close friends and confidantes during our stint in NC (praise Him!) but tragically,  i couldn't tell the leaders.  it was such a dysfunctional leadership that the sick and hurting folks (drug addiction, adultery, homosexuality, suicide attempt, you know, the lighter problems of life, i say facetiously) would come to me and del for counsel the whole time we were there but ask us not to tell the elders. we knew the leaders weren't safe enuf so we honored their request and became party to their secret struggles. afterall, we were sharing a secret, too.  if we had to do it all over again, i don't think del and i would've handled it this way. aahhh, that was then, this is now.

fast forward to the next time del pastored a church in hot springs, from 1997-2002! oh! what a sweet congregation they were and healing to our bones.  they knew i was at times intermittently involved in worship and del would show up with the kids without me. eventually i wrote an open letter to the church (reprint to follow) which del read to the church in sunday school one morning.  i was home in little rock at bedside baptist, church of the inner springs, holy comforter.

in quite another context from church, when led by the Holy Spirit, i've shared my depression with a few select clients. (i'm a psychotherapist, social worker by trade.) the ones i thought it would encourage and who knew me well enough that it wouldn't frighten them away. ((also, must be very careful as a psychotherapist in revealing things.  i heard a story years ago of someone who stopped seeing her therapist because the sessions were all about the therapist's problems.)) i saw one client in the psych doc's office who did not know that we shared the same doc.  bless her, that seemed to really throw her off. she stopped coming to see me shortly thereafter, coincidental or not to learning i was also a psych patient - i may never know. 

my intention is to continue shedding my closet status.  i want others to know they're not alone. (as well as not wanting to be alone in it, if i'm honest with you.) and whoever looks at another's life and thinks "wow, they have such a great life" needs to re-think that..... months back someone at my church asked how i was doing. i said something very honest like "not too well." and he said something like "it can't be that be that bad." there's just so much assuming going on and so much not telling going on  - for good self-protection on the latter -  that i wanted to begin the process of coming further out of my personal closet with my blogging. 

what's in your closet? (rhetorical)

***shared with permission