verbal boundaries: PART ONE

i found this handout in my msw files last nite when looking for something else. thot i'd share it today. i'll share part two tomorrow. to read more on the subject i highly recommend boundaries, by cloud and townsend written from a biblical perspective.

THE CHALLENGE OF SETTING VERBAL BOUNDARIES IN OUR RELATIONSHIPS

What can we say to someone when we’re in the middle of a conversation (on the phone, in person) and it’s going south?  We have this nudge in our spirits that this isn’t the way we want folks to talk to us, but how do we change the direction of the conversation or halt it altogether?  What if they bring up something we don’t want to discuss?  What if we’ve been taught that we’re too sensitive and if what our neighbor says upsets us, it’s our fault because we’re just too sensitive. Or taught that if we don’t let others speak their minds to us, it’s just plain wrong, we’re being selfish.  And if we don’t let them speak it, we’ll lose them temporarily or altogether?  What if when we’ve tried to speak up for ourselves, we’ve been given the silent treatment?  Or it makes things worse?  These dilemmas come up repeatedly in my own life and in my counseling of others.

There is a belief system underneath the pursuit of setting healthy verbal boundaries that goes something like this: 

*I am a separate person from my “proverbial” neighbor and have unique feelings, needs, wants, God’s made me this way, praise Him!

*It’s good and right for me to take care of myself in relationships.

*It’s good and right for me to decide what’s acceptable and what’s unacceptable to me.

*It’s good for me to tune in to what others say that hurts me, rather than ignoring it, so I can address it.

*It’s my responsibility to know what hurts, doesn’t feel good and right in relationships.

*It’s my responsibility to know what feels good and supportive in relationships.

*My neighbors do not know their effect upon me if I don’t tell them.

*Others cannot read my mind.

*Just because I wouldn’t say something negative or untoward to another person doesn’t mean someone else wouldn’t say that to me.

*It’s not okay for others to hurt me with their words.

*(While I’m at it) It’s not okay for me to hurt others with my words.

*It’s not loving towards myself, to continue to allow my neighbor to hurt me. 

*It’s not loving towards my neighbor, to continue to allow him to hurt me.

*It is a loving thing for me to set boundaries with my neighbor.

*It pleases God when I am direct in my relationships. (He was very direct!)

*It pleases God when I don’t hide who I am, at my expense, to please another person. (He’s not codependent, worried about, and trying to control what others think of Him!)

*I will have to repeatedly set boundaries with someone because once is rarely enough.

*I can’t expect my neighbor to “get it” because I set a boundary one time.

*I’m not responsible to make sure I set the boundary the elusively right way so that my neighbor gets it.

*I am responsible to continue to set the boundary as long as it’s necessary, as long as it’s an issue.

*I am encouraged to pray for self-control, not control of others.

*I am encouraged to be angry but not sin.

*I’m encouraged to speak the truth in love.

*I’m not responsible for the outcome when I set boundaries and the outcome is not a cosmic message that boundaries don’t work!

*Let your goal be:  at the earliest hint of offense, set a boundary.  Not after minutes or hours.  Sometimes it takes a long time for us to increase our awareness of when our boundaries have been violated, one reason it takes so long for us to take up for ourselves.  Be patient with yourself in the learning process.                                                                            

 HBF/o7